And we’re back, talking with our favorite fictional fish out of water and occasional misanthrope, Dr. S. Today we’ve going to cover some of the topics surrounding one of the most controversial of all major holidays, Valentine’s Day.
MPB: Good morning, Dr. S, and thanks for joining us again today.
Dr. S: Pleased to be here, I’m sure.
MPB: I understand there are aspects to the celebration of St. Valentine’s Day in America that strike you as confusing?
Dr. S: Yes, although the existence of the holiday is puzzling enough. Are you aware, for example, that there is no consensus even within the Catholic Church as to whether St. Valentine actually existed? Or, for that matter, if any of the festivals or observances associated with him existed before Chaucer included them in the Canterbury Tales?
MPB: Actually, I was. But none of that is precisely relevant to the current discussion; all of the aspects of the holiday would still exist in America even if its patron did not.
Dr. S: All right, then, can you account for the disparity of opinions regarding the event? Why do some people regard it was one of the most important days of the year, and break off otherwise meaningful relationships if their expectations are not met on that day, while others consider it a mere “Hallmark Holiday” and object to its propagation in any form?
MPB: Well, much of the disparity can be explained by the institutionalized gender roles in this country during this period. Female children are socialized to believe that the event is important in terms of social acceptance and development of relationships, whereas male children are conditioned to believe that any expression of appreciation for this holiday is inappropriate behavior, and therefore a threat to their social acceptance and peer relationships. There are numerous exceptions within the population, of course.
Dr. S: That accounts for the friction between males and females over observance of the holiday. Now, what about the disparity in gifts and other gestures acknowledging the event? If you have acceded to your partner’s wishes, or gained acceptance of your own, wouldn’t that also codify your choices?
MPB: Not as much as you’d think. Even if two people have agreed to celebrate the occasion in some mutually acceptable way, the relative importance of the holiday may remain in dispute. Thus, one partner may regard February 14th as the single most important day on the calendar, and expect extravagant gestures and lavish gift on that day, while the other may regard the event as an unpleasant obligation accepted only because of its importance to the other partner, and seek to avoid spending any greater amount of time or money than is strictly necessary.
Dr. S: This would account for the behaviors described in your “Don’t Let This Happen” post from two years ago.
MPB: That’s right. The majority of people for whom this holiday is of major importance are women, and thus they make up the bulk of early shoppers. Men are also more likely to select something of lower retail cost or something easier to obtain, or both. This can result in the selection of gifts – or other observances of the holiday – which they feel are appropriate, but which their significant others do not.
Dr. S: Rather like the suppositories in your earlier post.
MPB: Yes, or the poor fellow who purchased reduced-calorie and sugar-free candy for his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day last year. I’m sure he only intended the gift to say: “Here is some candy you can eat without sabotaging your diet or your diabetes control medication,” but his significant other interpreted the gesture to mean: “You’re too fat, so try to eat less sugar and calories.”
Dr. S: Did he survive the experience?
MPB: So far, at least – although he may have to go into hiding.
Dr. S: But wouldn’t it make more sense for these people to try to overcome their social programming and agree upon something reasonable? Or, failing that, to reach a negotiated agreement based on their regard for their partner’s preferences?
MPB: Yes, but the question isn’t relevant. As long as people remain more focused on winning – on getting what they want out of the holiday, regardless of what their partner might need or want – than on enjoying the day, it will remain a point of contention, an unwelcome obligation, or a test that their partner continually fails. Or all of the above, of course…
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