Don’t Let This Happen

It occurred to me this week that while I’ve been issuing advice and Public Service Announcements about the advent of Valentine’s Day for years (ever since I started this blog), I’ve never told all of you about the incident that started the whole thing; the funny story that changed my perspective on this otherwise harmless holiday forever. It begins fifteen years ago this week, when I was still working for the Sav-on Drug Store company in Studio City, California. Like most general merchandise retailers, my drug store had set up Valentine’s Day decorations and signs as soon as we took down the last of the Christmas Clearance items, and set the Seasonal aisle a few days after New Year’s. Over the five ensuing weeks the traffic gradually picked up in the Seasonal aisle. For the first week or two it was limited to the truly compulsive customers, who clearly needed something to do, since they’d already finished their income tax forms; these were gradually replaced by women who were taking the holiday seriously and men who weren’t. By the start of February the traffic was mostly male, and by the day before V-Day it was mostly very relieved men (who had clearly forgotten the holiday at least once before)…

I was working the day shift on February 14, 1995, and the traffic flowing into the Seasonal aisle was completely male by then; men who had woken up that morning to realize that they had a significant other who would be expecting an acknowledgement of the holiday – and that they were empty-handed. It was easy to imagine them blowing out of the house in a tearing hurry, telling their wives or girlfriends that they had to get to an early meeting, we’ll celebrate the holiday tonight, okay? The traffic died down a little after the morning commute was over, only to redouble at lunch time, as the men who had gotten all the way to the office before realizing what day it was (and why their significant others had been giving them funny looks this morning) dashed out to avoid coming home empty-handed – and probably sleeping on the couch until Arbor Day (which is in June, by the by)…

Not everyone is able to go shopping on their lunch hour, however; at the start of the evening commute the traffic picked up again, the men now frantically trying to avoid coming home with nothing but a dumb smile and the promise of a nice dinner (after a three-hour wait, no doubt). By the time I was about to go off-shift at 6:00 that evening, the Seasonal aisle was looking pretty picked over. But just at that moment, a man ran in from the parking lot in a total panic.

“Quick!” he yelled at me. “I need something heart-shaped!”

“Well,” I replied, “There are still a few items in the Season aisle that might –“

“No time!” he yelled, turning to grab something out of one of the “On Special” baskets in front of the registers. “What about these? Are they heart shaped?”

I looked at the yellow-and-blue boxes in his hands. “Those are suppositories, sir,” I told him.

“Yes, but are they heart-shaped?” the man yelped.

“Well… Kinda,” I replied.

“Great!” he bellowed, throwing some money on the counter. “I’ll take five boxes! Keep the change!” He grabbed his five boxes of suppositories and bolted back out into the parking lot…

The next day I scanned the news carefully, but I didn’t find any stories about a man being murdered in some fashion that involved five boxes of suppositories (received as a Valentine’s Day gift or otherwise), so I imagine that he lived through the experience. But I think it demonstrates better than any other cautionary tale could that sometimes it’s better to arrive empty-handed and make up a story about what you’re going to do to celebrate the holiday than it is to just grab something at random and take your chances on it being appropriate to the occasion. So let me close by saying to all of my readers (assuming that I have readers): don’t let this happen in YOUR family…