New Towel Technology

No, the title of this post is not a typographical error; I refer here to a new product which is taking the country, and eventually will take the world, by storm. A product for all of the members of our civilization who are being unfairly punished, embarrassed, or just inconvenienced by the existing towel technology, and yearn for something better. For too long, innocent members of society who are (through no fault of their own!) too dim to figure out how to wrap a towel around themselves have suffered shame and humiliation, but now thanks to the miracle of science (and the efforts of a truly ingenious couple from Florida), you too can reap the benefits of the Wearable Towel …

As reported this week in the Washington Post, the Wearable Towel, or simply the Wearable, is generally similar to a conventional towel, only with the addition of arm holes on each side. It’s manufactured in Turkey (which does not, actually, make it a Turkish towel, however) and available direct to you at the low, low price of just $19.99 plus shipping and handling. The designer suggests that you can wear it anywhere you would wear an actual towel (including in your back yard, at a barbeque, at parties, etc.) and that you can be “totally undressed” (emphasis theirs) under this towel if circumstances require it!

Astute readers will have noted this product’s similarity to the infomercial classic known as the Snuggie (a blanket with sleeves) and its upscale competitor, the Slanket, which costs nearly twice as much as a Snuggie, but is much larger, made of more durable material, and comes in a huge array of colors and prints (where a Snuggie is available in just 3 insipid pastel fleeces). In theory, while a Slanket is more expensive, it is being marketed as having added value for the consumer – that is, being warmer, more functional, and more visually appealing. This does not change the fact, however, that both products are actually just wearable blankets and are being aimed at a target demographic of people who are unable to cope with the technical complexities of an actual blanket (or, say, an over-shirt or sweater). None of this really compares to the horror of the Comfort Wipe, however…

This product, which I swear I am not making up, serves a personal hygiene function so profoundly disgusting that even someone afflicted with OCD would hesitate to describe it any further. But the Washington Post article also goes on to cite the 1980’s era telesales product that would scramble an egg while it was still inside the shell, and its modern counterpart, the Egg Genie which will enable even someone who is not able to boil water effectively to make perfect hard-boiled eggs every time. Which leads the Post’s reporter to what effect these products are having on our society in general…

Now, as any regular readers of this space already know, I’m not a huge booster of the American primary education system; I personally feel that if we’re going to continue to encounter college students (like one I ran into this week) who have managed to obtain high school diplomas without realizing that the word “exercise” does not have an “A” in it (and can’t copy the word off the blackboard in front of them, either) then we really shouldn’t be blaming telesales products for the dumbing-down of America. In the long run, I’m fairly certain that all of these products will join the Veg-O-Matic and the Pocket Fisherman on the junk heap of History (as well as on an actual junk heap somewhere)…

But if they don’t, remember, folks, you heard it heard first…