The Grad School Diaries: Taylor’s Serenity Theory

Here comes the chill:
It’s not exactly unexpected; one of the things Michigan is famous (or infamous) for is really crappy weather, and particularly for cold winters loaded with snow. When we made the decision to leave California and come here one of the most common questions we got was how would we ever be able to cope with all of the snow. Well, we’re about to find out: it’s December 1, 2008, and the snow has arrived…

There were a couple of flurries earlier this semester, but nothing that actually stuck to the ground once it arrived. Last night saw a drop in the temperature, however, and the familiar cold rain turned into snow, with big, fat flakes swirling and flowing around in the beams of light. This morning I was treated to an experience so alien to a man raised in California that I might as well have been walking on the Moon: I cleared my driveway. With over 4 inches of snow overnight it’s not really passable, at least to conventional vehicles like the Torrent. Fortunately, I had planned ahead for this contingency, and there was a new snow-thrower waiting in the garage, all gassed up and ready to do. Specifically, a Craftsman 2-stage snow-thrower from Sears, with 7 forward gears, 2 reverse gears, an auxiliary electrical starter (for those occasions when the pull-starter just won’t cut it), and enough power to clear the heaviest, wettest snow…

I suppose I should be taking this harder than I am; there are times when I miss the South Bay so much I physically ache, but most of the time I find I’ve been too busy with reading, writing, and sheer blind panic to notice anything else. And then there are all of these new experiences; all of the things I’ve never done or seen before. Not snow on the ground, specifically, or even falling snow; I’ve seen both of those many times before. Things like driving in a snowstorm, for example, or scattering traction-melt (rock salt plus other chemicals) on the cleared driveway and sidewalks to prevent more snow from accumulating…

There’s an odd sense of calm that applies to times like these, and tasks like this one. I’m in deep trouble right now; behind in all three classes and completely bewildered by the hardest one. And even if I can complete the challenge of the next two weeks, pass both finals, get my term paper completed and turned in, lead my cohort to a successful completion of our holiday party performance, and pass all three classes, I’m still just getting started. It’s only one semester of the 10 to 12 (or 15 to 18; it depends on your point of view), or “10 miles behind me, and 10,000 more to go,” as James Taylor once put it…

If I could bring myself to believe in a deity who meddles, I’d probably be praying for mercy 24/7 these days; if I could bring myself to believe in anti-depressants that work I’d probably be grokked out of my gourd just as often. But as I guide the roaring snow-clearance machine through the drifts, with the flakes still swirling around me on the cold wind, I can’t help but feel a strange sense of serenity, as though I were part of it all, and all of this was supposed to be. Or, to quote Mr. Taylor again:

“There’s a song that they sing
When they take to the highway;
A song that they sing
When they take to the sea;
A song that they sing
Of their home in the sky;
Maybe you can believe it
If it helps you to sleep;
But singing works just fine for me…”

It’s probably just resignation, or at most fatalism, not really serenity. But as I shut off the engine and listen to the winter world around me, with the wind as the only sound, there’s a rightness about it all. This may not end in triumph; it may not end well at all. But for now, at least, I know why I am here. And what I must do…