The Rules: Part One

I thought with Valentine’s Day coming up this week that it might be interesting to present some of the unwritten rules regarding this holiday. I’m confident that all of you will recognize the business applications when they come around…

Valentine’s Day (hereinafter “V-Day”) is one of those “cultural” phenomena that are viewed very differently based on the observer’s age, social class, income level, religious convictions, and above all, gender. While some holidays have traditional consumer products associated with them (e.g. turkeys for Thanksgiving, fireworks for Independence Day, or coniferous trees for Christmas), V-Day is a bit more nebulous. Heart-shaped items are traditional, as is the color red, both of which are intended to reflect the holiday’s origins as a festival for lovers, but what exactly can be colored red and/or shaped like a heart and then successfully marketed for V-Day is much harder to say for certain.

Compounding the problem is the tendency (often parodied in the media) of women in Western cultures to use the holiday as a “test” of how well their significant other can satisfy their desires. Though this behavior is not nearly as universal as generally depicted, the potential for spectacular failure is every bit as great as popular culture would have you believe, as male consumers are often faced with attempting to locate the idea present without having been given any useful information as to what that might entail. This will often result in men purchasing gifts which are useful, valuable, or even objects they believe are coveted by their partners, only to discover that, in the event, the items selected are not sufficiently “romantic” – most often simply meaning that they do not conform to the expectations of the recipient.

These efforts are complicated by the fact that most retailers will attempt to cash in on the commercial bonanza represented by the holiday (often the only one in the entire season) by offering all manner of merchandise as V-Day specials. While the average male consumer is unlikely to accept that “V-Day paper towels” or “V-Day suppositories” would be appropriate gifts under normal circumstances, the pressure, confusion and downright bewilderment of the occasion results in many of these unfortunate sales. Even worse, the general drawdown in retail sales associates means that even those shoppers willing to ask for help will generally not find any.

Some of the rules are fairly simple to understand:
Rule 1: You can remember when the World Series is, when the Super Bowl is, and when the baseball, basketball and hockey All-Star Games are. You can remember when Valentine’s Day is (it’s the SAME DATE every year!).
Rule 2: Never purchase anything that is actually for you. It’s rude. Especially if it’s something you know she does not want, and will just give back to you.
Rule 3: Don’t assume that just because you want something, your significant other does too. This goes double for home entertainment equipment that you will also get to use.
Rule 4: Never purchase exercise equipment. Not even if she specifically asks for it. Sends the wrong message (e.g. “you need to work out more”).
Rule 5: Never purchase kitchen equipment. Again, not even if specifically requested; it sends the message that you see her in a purely domestic role.
Rule 6: Never purchase anything with a cord. No matter what your significant other thinks of as romantic, this isn’t it.
Rule 7: Never purchase anything because your mother, your sister, your ex-girlfriend or some hot saleswoman at the store where you were shopping liked it.
Rule 8: If you are dumb enough to violate Rule 7, make sure you don’t tell your significant other you did this. Especially if an ex-girlfriend was involved!
Rule 9: Never purchase a gift card. It’s as impersonal as you can get…

In fact, these same rules probably apply to your significant other’s birthday and your anniversary (particularly your wedding anniversary, if you have one). Note that this eliminates practically everything from home improvement stores, sporting goods stores, hardware stores and electronics stores – or 90% plus of all of the places men are actually comfortable shopping. The sight of a grown man slinking into a Victoria’s Secret in the hopes of finding something for his significant other before dying of embarrassment, or trying to pick out something from the drug store’s “Seasonal” aisle that is red, heart-shaped and not too tacky while on his way home from work on the 14th are truly sad.

Of course, women have difficulties of their own shopping for this holiday – but that’s a column for another day…