Is it Really the Thought?

A while back I was talking with a few friends about how one might explain various customs to someone who was either so sheltered that they’d never experienced any, or so poorly socialized that they couldn’t understand things that you and I would take for granted. Fictional characters like this have been popular for years, since they present multiple opportunities to have another character explain various complexities of the plot to them (and thereby to the audience), as well as offering comic relief possibilities as they try to cope with familiar (to us) situations that they find baffling. But what occurred to me is that sometimes the social conventions we’ve gotten used to are so counter-intuitive that they actually cause problems even for people who are familiar with them. So I thought it might be fun to explain a few of these ideas to someone who has no grasp of them to begin with. To protect his anonymity (and since he’s a fictional character and I don’t have access to his copyright) I’ll just refer to him as Dr. S…

MPB: Good morning, Dr. S, and thank you for joining us.

Dr. S: I’m glad to be here.

MPB: I thought we might begin this discussion with a familiar platitude, “It’s the thought that counts,” which I understand you consider confusing and illogical.

Dr. S: Yes; that’s a good one. If it is actually the thought that counts in obtaining a present for someone, why do you need to proceed beyond the thought? Is it more important to produce tangible evidence of your thought, or is this maxim simply wrong to begin with?

MPB: Well, as is often the case, I believe that this statement and the associated custom are using the word “thought” as a convenient shorthand for a more complex convention. Consider, if you will, the steps required to purchase a gift for someone: First, you must identify something that the recipient might actually want or enjoy. Second, you must determine that your idea is feasible, practical, and affordable, all of which will vary not only with the gift concept but also with your budget and your ability to obtain specific classes of gift. Third, you must determine that your idea is appropriate to the recipient, the occasion, and the social conventions to which they (not you) conform. It serves no purpose to select a gift that implies your desire for a romantic relationship with the recipient if you have no such desire, or for that matter to identify an ideal gift which can’t be obtained or which you cannot afford.

Dr. S.: But there are thousands, if not millions, of gift-giving sites on the Internet. Is this process really that difficult?

MPB: That would depend entirely on how well you know the recipient, of course – and on how well you understand the social, political, financial and even religious context of the occasion and your relationship with the recipient. But even in very simple cases, it is clear that all of these considerations will require thought, as will the research (whether Internet, library, key informant, or expert opinion) needed to resolve the issue.

Dr. S. (raises one eyebrow): This is certainly the case. So “the thought” represents the effort to identify an acceptable gift, rather than merely selecting something at random?

MPB: You might be surprised how many people select a gift by simply picking up whatever is on the checkout counter at the supermarket. But that raises a fourth point: Once you have made your selection, you must identify where such an item can be obtained, and how to travel to that place. If your recipient would most like to receive a box of oranges, and you happen to have an orange tree in your garden, this will be relatively easy; if the item you have selected is available only from a brick-and-mortar retailer that does not have an outlet in your community, this will take quite a bit more effort. But in any case, you will have to devote at least some thought to obtaining the gift, wrapping it, transporting it, storing it, and possibly even hiding it, in the case where the recipient lives with you or is a frequent visitor.

Dr. S.: That does seem rather involved.

MPB: It is frequently more difficult than the actual purchase. However, all of this still misses the main point, which is that of why you are doing all of this in the first place.

Dr. S.: I’m not sure I follow.

MPB: Regardless of how close you might be to the recipient, it would still be far easier to ignore the occasion and not do anything. You could simply declare a philosophical aversion to the occasion, or to the commercialization of celebratory events in the first place, and refuse to participate. However, you have instead considered that the recipient’s happiness is important enough to you that you have chosen to incur this cost and inconvenience in the first place. You have, literally, “thought” enough of them, and about them, to attempt the process in the first place and try to find something they would enjoy receiving in the second place.

Dr. S.: So it is the importance of making the attempt, and of expending the required thought in order to solve the various problems and complete the exercise, that is actually important?

MPB: Exactly. The statement that it is “the thought that counts” is an acknowledgement of your making the attempt, and of the recipient’s importance to you. If your effort to find an ideal (or even acceptable) offering falls short, this is far less important than the fact that you made the attempt in the first place…