The Grad School Diaries: Return to Atlanta

Not counting layovers in the airport, this is my third trip to Atlanta, and oddly enough, all of them have been car trips – oddly, that is, when you realize that I’ve never lived within 800 miles of the place. But my wife and I were here in 2004, taking our daughter to college, and then again in 2008 when we came down for New Years’. And now we’re back, to help our daughter and her husband to be move again. Specifically, to help them move in with us, in East Lansing, Michigan – 800 miles from here…

I think we’re all a little worried about the transition; it’s just that none of us are willing to admit it. Even if you get along really well with your parents, it’s hard to avoid having mixed feelings about giving up your independence and going to live with them again. Even if you get along really well with the people who are going to be your in-laws (in another 14 months), it’s not easy to go and live under their roof. Even if you’re the best parent in the world (and my wife just might be) it’s hard to adjust to having the kids living with you again after five years as an empty-nester…

And, of course, even if you’ve loved your stepdaughter like your own child pretty much from day one (which is when we first met), being a middle-aged doctoral student with your own health, memory, stress and anxiety issues (and a schedule that frequently explodes for no apparent reason) means that anything you attempt takes on whole additional dimensions of complexity. It’s the only sane choice; it’s the only reasonable choice; it’s the only practical choice. But even for people who love each other as much as all of us do, it’s not an easy choice – we’re all going to have to work at this…

So it’s probably fitting that the whole thing is starting off with a mad scramble to get the residual belongings (the ones that didn’t get onto the moving van) packed up, everything we’re not taking thrown out, all of the services disconnected, and the cars loaded out. We’ve got to be out of the apartment in two days, on the road in three, and home to East Lansing before Monday, because I’ve got a class to teach. And that doesn’t even consider the going-away party…

It’s hardly the first time I’ve joined a party of the younger generation as somebody’s parent; I had that same experience with some of these same people seven months ago, the last time we were in Georgia. I think I finally understand the riff I’m getting here, this time: I’m 20 or so years older than the average person in this group, but not only am I cool enough to be worth hanging around with, I’m cool enough to actually go out and join the party without needing to be in charge of it. Don’t get me wrong; it would be a wonderful thing to be able to just whip out my billfold and tell everyone that the food and drink are on me. The generous side of my soul would love to do just that, in fact. But that would mean taking over this party; not only making it my event, but also changing my role into the “Great White Parent,” at a remove from all of the others…

It’s a line I will have to be careful not to cross over the next few years, and it’s a fine one. But this party is not about me; life in general is frequently not about me. And sometimes even the best of intentions can change things in ways you don’t want – and never intended. Some years ago I told the woman who would become my wife, “I am not a very good man – but you could make me one.” She said I gave her too much credit, but I disagreed then, and I do now; I am still not sure where this journey is taking me, or what I will be like at the end of it – but I know I will be a better person for taking the trip. And an infinitely better man for having taken it with her…

Of course, tomorrow I WILL be in charge of getting four people, three pets, two cars, and one metric assload of stuff 800 miles before we sleep. But for now, I think I’ll just lean back at one corner of the table and enjoy the party. Because there really is no way of knowing if I’ll ever make a fourth visit to Atlanta…

And the last easy day was yesterday…