It’s That Time Again…

Every year around this time somebody posts a blog or set of message board discussions about “What was the worst present you ever received?” Most of the time it’s a mixture of the crass, the tacky, the tightwads and a handful of trolls who are either attacking the rest of the posters for being too material or spouting a bunch of religious rubbish about how because they don’t personally agree with giving gifts on a holy day, everyone should spend the day in church, or eating cold gravel, or whatever trolls pretending to be holy rollers believe we should all be doing. Some of the posts are sad, some are touching, and some are either the most materialistic people on the planet or more trolls trying to get a rise out of people by pretending to be wretches who would actually complain because the new sports car their parents gave them was the wrong color…

Although, in fairness, it’s sometimes hard to tell who’s a troll and who’s just an appalling human being these days. In any case, you can catch this year’s version on MSN Money if you want to. Personally, I think the people who make the “groaning moose clock” referenced in the comments to this article are about to get a surprise at how much traffic on their website has picked up, but then I’d imagine it would take a lot to surprise people who manufacture and sell clocks that make a 60-second “moose mating call” ever hour…

I thought it might be worthwhile to review some of the comments made earlier about the rules for buying presents. If you’re not the type who thinks moose (or strange noises that sound like a moose made them) are funny enough to make the ideal gift, some of these might come in handy:

1. Never purchase anything that is actually for you. It’s rude. Especially if it’s something you know the recipient does not want, and will just give back to you.

2. Don’t assume that just because you want something, your significant other does too. This goes double for home entertainment equipment that you will also get to use.

3. Never purchase exercise equipment for any female recipient. Not even if she specifically asks for it. It sends the wrong message (e.g. “you need to work out more”).

4. When purchasing gifts for a female significant other, never purchase anything because your mother, your sister, your ex-girlfriend or some hot saleswoman at the store where you were shopping liked it. And if you’re dumb enough to violate this rule, for heaven’s sake don’t ADMIT that you did so!

5. When purchasing gifts for a male significant other, never purchase lifestyle or wardrobe accessories that conform to your ideal of him. For example, if he doesn’t already carry a “man-purse” you probably shouldn’t get him his first one. If he already does, there’s nothing wrong with getting him a new one, but otherwise…

6. Regardless of the recipient’s gender or your relationship with him or her, do not purchase things he or she doesn’t use but you think he/she ought to. This applies to styles he or she doesn’t wear, grooming items he or she doesn’t use, religious or self-help texts that will help to short up something YOU believe is a shortcoming, and so on.

7. Avoid gift cards. It’s not just that they’re impersonal, although they are, but in the current economic climate there’s a nonzero chance that the company will go under before the recipient can cash them in – and if that happens, the card won’t be worth the price of the plastic it’s made out of. Also, keep in mind that just because the store you’re buying the card from is convenient for you, that doesn’t mean there’s one in the recipient’s neighborhood. If someone gave me a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf gift card this year, for example, I’d be roughly 2300 miles from the nearest place I could use it…

8. Avoid novelty items that make loud, rude noises every hour on the hour. Unless, of course, you KNOW that the recipient really likes the sound of moose mating calls…